I’m so excited! ... (not)

I was cashing a check at my bank today and noticed that a recent merger had brought not only a new name to the institution, but a new slogan as well. My old Factory Point Bank — a name that implied proletariat values and good honest labor — had become the regional-sounding Berkshire Bank.

And now, on the wall over the tellers’ windows, in big gold letters it reads: “Welcome to Berkshire Bank, America’s Most Exciting Bank.”

I stood there feeling somewhat alarmed. I don’t want my money in an exciting bank. I want my bank to be staffed by staid, suit-wearing executives who view the slightest hundredth-of-a-point change in interest rates with great concern. I want my money cared for by men and women who sip tea and watch the Nightly Business Report.

“America’s Most Exciting Bank” makes it sound as if the Berkshire Bank employs roller coaster fanatics who want to take my money on a similar ride, who thought Enron was an excellent investment opportunity, and who speculate on real estate in Mideast countries.

Excitement in banking gives off a whiff of embezzlement, the savings and loan debacle, and the stock market crashing. It’s like your dentist promising “dental thrills.” Some institutions and occupations should simply not be exciting.

Standing at the teller’s window, I had to fight the impulse to withdraw all my money and run from the bank yelling, “Stop the ride! I want to get off!”

I would prefer having my money in a bank that promises “A Passion to Perform” (Deutsch Bank), or that it’s the “Bank of Opportunity” (Bank of America), or even one that tells me “You’re Richer Than You Think” (Canada’s Scotiabank), which I would be had I converted my American dollars to Canadian a few months back.

Or even “America’s Most Boring Bank.” At least then it wouldn’t sound as if I need Dramamine — or Valium — every time I deposit a paycheck.