Does anybody know what's going on?

A-hem. Excuse me. Yes, over here. (Furtive look around to see if anyone is eavesdropping.) Could you explain the financial crisis to me?

You see, I’ve done the required reading (New York Times and AP stories), and I’ve even done the bonus reading (editorials, Newsweek analyses), and I’ve also listened to the network news analysts. I have investments in both stocks and bonds, and I don’t glaze over or tune out when I meet with our financial planner.

But I don’t get it. And like high school kids in chemistry class who don’t dare admit that the chapter on atomic orbitals is confounding, I’m guessing that I'm not the only one who doesn’t get how it will affect us, the middle-class consumers and taxpayers.

Yes, I understand that there are people who bought houses far beyond their means (like the woman interviewed on CNN last week who makes $10/hour as a hair stylist yet bought a $495,000 house on Long Island), and I understand that many folks are mired in credit card debt. I understand that real estate has tanked, so have sympathy for those who have to sell their houses right now. And I know that, should the market stay the same, I might be able to afford a Winnebago in my retirement but not gas to drive it. And my daughter's education fund? It might cover text books.

I have a slim grasp of what hedge funds and derivatives are, and I get the rudiments of Wall Street — the buying and selling of stock as a way for corporations to raise capital. But the rest of what Wall Street does seems like magic — or dark magic — where the magician waves his wand and literally pulls money out of a hat.

It hasn’t really hit me yet what the economy’s implosion will do to my daily life. I can still buy food and pay my bills. I still have a few writing assignments. My daughter gets on the school bus each morning and returns each afternoon. I can buy gas for my car and bread at the bakery. So the economic crisis feels like this abstract thing out there — like a hurricane that’s affecting another part of the country. But which part? And what kind of damage is it causing? And will it soon show up here?

If I knew this, then maybe I would have understood what Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson planned on doing with that $700 billion. Exactly who received this money? And by that, I mean the name of the company and/or entity, and the name of the individual in charge. And what are they going to do with it?

I vaguely understand that it is supposed to free up credit, so people and companies could borrow money. But at this point, I don’t anticipate needing a loan in the near future. So is my ship still in danger of sinking? Or will I remain afloat, only having to navigate choppy water?

And what exactly is happening to the people who got us into this mess — the well-paid financiers and “creative thinkers” who kept pulling money out of the hat even though they knew there was nothing behind it? Like, a-hem, Mr. Paulson himself, former Goldman Sachs CEO whose net worth has been projected at around $700 million. I don’t see him throwing $10 million into the bailout kitty. If we could round up 7,000 of his Wall Street cohorts, there’s the $700 billion right there.

I wish someone would write, “Economic Crisis for Real People.” A lot of us might benefit. Maybe the bailout package would have passed Congress. Or maybe we, the well-informed voters, would have insisted that the bill be drafted in a different form in the first place.

But who am I to say? Maybe I’m just the dumb kid sitting in the back of the class.

You see, I’ve done the required reading (New York Times and AP stories), and I’ve even done the bonus reading (editorials, Newsweek analyses), and I’ve also listened to the network news analysts. I have investments in both stocks and bonds, and I don’t glaze over or tune out when I meet with our financial planner. 

But I don’t get it. And like high school kids in chemistry class who don’t dare admit that the chapter on atomic orbitals is confounding, I’m guessing that I'm not the only one who doesn’t get how it will affect us, the middle-class consumers and taxpayers.

Yes, I understand that there are people who bought houses far beyond their means (like the woman interviewed on CNN last week who makes $10/hour as a hair stylist yet bought a $495,000 house on Long Island), and I understand that many folks are mired in credit card debt. I understand that real estate has tanked, so have sympathy for those who have to sell their houses right now. And I know that, should the market stay the same, I might be able to afford a Winnebago in my retirement but not gas to drive it. And my daughter's education fund? It might cover text books. 

I have a slim grasp of what hedge funds and derivatives are, and I get the rudiments of Wall Street — the buying and selling of stock as a way for corporations to raise capital. But the rest of what Wall Street does seems like magic — or dark magic — where the magician waves his wand and literally pulls money out of a hat.

It hasn’t really hit me yet what the economy’s implosion will do to my daily life. I can still buy food and pay my bills. I still have a few writing assignments. My daughter gets on the school bus each morning and returns each afternoon. I can buy gas for my car and bread at the bakery. So the economic crisis feels like this abstract thing out there — like a hurricane that’s affecting another part of the country. But which part? And what kind of damage is it causing? And will it soon show up here?

If I knew this, then maybe I would have understood what Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson planned on doing with that $700 billion bailout. Exactly who received this money? And by that, I mean the name of the company and/or entity, and the name of the individual in charge. And what are they going to do with it?

I vaguely understand that it is supposed to free up credit, so people and companies could borrow money. But at this point, I don’t anticipate needing a loan in the near future. So is my ship still in danger of sinking? Or will I remain afloat, only having to navigate choppy water?

And what exactly is happening to the people who got us into this mess — the well-paid financiers and “creative thinkers” who kept pulling money out of the hat even though they knew there was nothing behind it? Like, a-hem, Mr. Paulson himself, former Goldman Sachs CEO whose net worth has been projected at around $700 million. I don’t see him throwing $10 million into the bailout kitty. If we could round up 7,000 of his Wall Street cohorts, there’s the $700 billion right there.

I wish someone would write, “Economic Crisis for Real People.” A lot of us might benefit. Maybe the bailout package would have passed Congress. Or maybe we, the well-informed voters, would have insisted that the bill be drafted in a different form in the first place.

But who am I to say? Maybe I’m just the dumb kid sitting in the back of the class.