Spontaneous combustion

I had a hot flash.

A fucking hot flash.

A full on Jack-Jack Attack, except with no super powers attached. (Whoever created the Pixar film The Incredibles back in 2004 got the various characters’ super powers mixed up. Baby Jack-Jack shouldn’t be the one who can spontaneously combust. That talent should belong to his middle-aged mother, ElastiGirl.)

I felt like I was melting.

Suggestions to just dress in layers or run outside for a few minutes are not helpful. Because unless those layers include all my skin, or by outside, they mean the South Pole, nothing helps.

I consulted Google.

To ease hot flashes, one site suggested taking black cohosh, which I found in pill form at the local health food store. I tried it for awhile. It seems to lose potency over time. Like catnip.

On another site, menopause was described as a “very common” condition with “over 3 million cases annually.” As if it were a disease.

Why hasn’t more research been done on this “epidemic”? And where’s the CDC when you need them?

If the rulers of the world had been afflicted with hot flashes, the king’s coffers would have been spent on finding a cure. Members of Parliament surely would not have worn those powdered wigs. Nor those heavy robes. And Ben Franklin would likely have spent his experimental years not flying kites in thunderstorms but instead trying to find out why he felt like ripping off his waistcoat and breeches and diving into the Schuylkill.

And let’s for a moment imagine Donald Trump having a hot flash …

Alas, it’s just us womenfolk who go through “the change.” And short of taking replacement hormones or antidepressants, there doesn’t seem to be much we can do.

I did find this (laughable) list though on WebMD.

Avoid:

•      Stress (yeah, right)
•      Caffeine (ha)
•      Alcohol (haha)
•      Spicy foods (so is this why older people like cottage cheese?)
•      Tight clothing (this I can do)
•      Heat (o-kayyyyy)
•      Cigarette smoke

·      This is my list:

•      Sleep naked.
•        Don’t workout. It only makes you sweat more.
•      Move to a cool climate. Newfoundland is nice. And it doesn’t have snakes.

Or, as I’ve done lately, just ride it out. Risk factors of suffering through a hot flash do not include death. Just a little BO.