Where's our snow?!

Dear Valued Customer,

Thank you for your recent order of two feet of Fluffy Snow — the premium item in our Winter Weather package.

At this time, this item is on backorder until Winter 2017. Our supplier has been overwhelmed with orders from California, Utah, and Colorado — as well as other parts of the world. We had hoped to speed delivery to you in February but have been unable to locate another supplier of Winter Weather.

In its place, we have sent to you — free of charge — two inches of rain followed by freezing temperatures. We hope you are enjoying the express and timely delivery of our Crap Winter Weather package! It is sure to fill your reservoirs and flood your basements.

In late March, we are offering a special Mud Season package for our lowest price ever. It includes one foot of Heavy Snow, topped by a glistening wintry mix (to seal it all in!), and then a week of sub-freezing temperatures to ensure that it sticks around when you want it most!

Order now, and we’ll also deliver Snow Flurries in May at no extra charge!

Or select our El Nino package and receive a rainy July as a special bonus.

Sincerely,

Your Friends at Climate Control

Sponsored by:

Eli Lilly & Company, makers of Prozac.

Starbucks. Try our Nosnowpuccino: Two shots of espresso and a shot of whiskey, topped with wintry mix whipped cream.

And

Mother Nature. “I don’t have to explain myself. I said no.”